grandma and the compounded grief

grandma has passed away.
i should say the passive dying process began 7 years ago and the obvious dying signs kicked in a week ago. on the death cert, it says chronic renal failure 6 years 6 mths.
my family is just thankful that she passed away peacefully. she is a quiet person which i wouldnt say i'm particularly close to, but she is my only grandparent left and the only one i've lived with after my formative years.

in remembrance of what has happened. the trying caring and aftermath discussions.

in 2006 to 2008, mum and second aunt shuttled btn home and grandma's place, keeping her company and singing hymns to her. things got complicated and aunt wanted to bear the burden and gave up her position in hongkong to return to sg. she didnt really like the idea of her sisters shuttling and running. she began to take up sole responsibility of caring and providing for grandma. things got further complicated, i believe there are misunderstandings and aunt began to close up. aft my exchange in jul 2008, she offered to have me stay w her so that i can do my fyp in peace and also keep grandma company. no, i moved in earlier than that as i rem i wallowed in her laps aft the deciding moment in aug 2007 and continued staying aft my exchange in jul 2008. i must hv been naive at that time and didnt realise how stressed she was. perhaps to this date, i still am naive and immature. she started to have chronic coughing and went to chinese doctor alone and bearing all this by herself. i duno why, i cant rem, aft working for a while, i moved back home. i think she didnt want my social life to be affected bcos of the curfews at highland road and i was always rushing back and taking care to enter the gates quietly so as not to wake my grandma who was by now sleeping in the living room to avoid the staircase and steps. that was stuffs i could manage tho it did affect my life. there were many good moments w grandma, waking her up, having a dinner w her, and urging her to walk 5 rounds, or 3 rounds as a compromise, after her dinner. perhaps i should not have moved back home. from then, aunt began to find a place big enough so that grandma don't feel claustrophobic and a place that did not have steps so grandma could revert to staying  in a room. she also wanted to do a driving refresher course so that she could drive grandma around but i think she was too bogged down by other nitty gritty to get to that. everything she did was centred around grandma.

anyway, so aunt managed to find a place and offered to make it my weekend home. then dad got diagnosed w cancer. things just get more and more complicated and tho i hate to admit it and perhaps ashamed of this, there are times when i consciously decide not to go to grandma's place bcos i really needed a rest. grandma's health continued to slowly but surely deteriorate, and beginning to be unable to do things herself - bathing, walking, passing motion, and eventually feeding for the past three months or so. i hv witnessed the maid and my aunt helping to remove her faeces and i had always wanted to help, but nv been able to bring myself to do it. for that, i hv deep respect for my maid and my aunt.

the strange thg, for me, happened on sun night. i was bathing and could hear someone calling my name. i thought it was my mum forgetting to bring home keys out and calling for me to help her to open the door. i hastened to finish up and in the meantime, continued to hear calls for me. when i checked the door, my mum was not there. alex urged me to call her, in case something bad happened to her. turns out that she was on the way home from grandma and reported that grandma is in critical condition. her blood pressure is low and heart beat is high. signs of dying. not sure if there is an infection, and to find out we'd have to bring her to hospital. my mum and her siblings decided to have a family discussion the next night.

and somehow i wanted to visit grandma and was entangled in, biaojie too. we kept relatively quiet throughout as for me, i would think the siblings just reach a consensus and decide for themselves how they would like to be comforted in the wake of my grandma's death. there were tiresome talks of how long the wake should be, in fact, if there should even be a wake and whether to hv a sea burial. in that discussion, it was clear that there are two schools of thought. the extreme of not having a wake and the other hand, having a 5 days or 7 days wake bcos she is an elderly. compound that with having relatives in china who may want to fly over to attend her wake. tough decisions.

thurs night, received a call from biaojie that grandma has passed away. it was unfortunate and compounded with alex having just left sg to be w his mum for her eye operation. i was on the way home after dropping him and quickly picked up mum and first aunt to go to aunt's place. as tho in denial, i actually checked whether grandma was still breathing. negative. and within me, i know emotions are beginning to take over. still, there are things to be done. getting the death cert, calling the undertaker, finding a suitable photo and clothes for grandma... compound that with as the clock strikes midnight, it was my 2nd youngest cousin's 21st bday and the family had wanted to hv a celebration tog on sun night. i had ordered, and cancelled when my grandma turned critical and then re-ordered because the family agreed that we can still gather and perhaps it will b good for everyone to take the opportunity to see grandma, and then upon grandma's death, i had to cancel the order again. (in fact aft tt, i was asked to order again bcos we will need catering for the wake and memorial service. i flatly rejected that request as i was too tired to do it again and asked that we order from the undertaker's contact). on the basis that it was jessie's 21st bday, aunt agreed to have a 5 day wake so that jessie may continue her arrangements w her friends and still get to come for her grandma's wake.

at that moment, it was also agreed that the church will not be informed and to keep thgs as a private affair. i do note the irony of having a 5 days wake and not informing ppl. however, that was the way things happened. second aunt really wanted to inform her church and so she did. (later on, aunt said that she compromised so that in later days, second aunt will rem that she has done something and not hv regrets for her mum's wake). with that, my mum also wanted to inform our church. the dilemma of having a private, non-crowded affair and informing our spiritual family arose.

the church workers came to know of it on sat morning and asked why were they not informed. i guess that put my mum in a spot. sat night we had another discussion whether to inform the church. aunt reiterated that she want a private affair as our grandma is a private person. i do not understand why my mum would not compromise and decide to just inform the ppl in church who are close to her instead of making an announcement. eventually there was no conclusion and nobody wanted to make a decision. and there muhtian was, sitting and waiting for my family to arrive at the decision as it happened that he would be the announcer the next day. aunt said just go ahead and make the announcement and i know she is making the decision against her own will. perhaps i was not conscious of it, but i felt bad that there was no compromise and someone has to be unhappy bcos of this.

that said, i proceeded to draft the announcement. and sent a private msg to the youths, and david, jenny, daryl, may nar and johnny that i would prefer them not to come.

so here's the problem: the announcement included the memorial service and address, so implicitly it was an invitation to come even tho i had purposefully excluded the phrase that the church is welcome/invited to attend the memorial service. that's my bad. perhaps i should not hv put in the details. but leave it as just informing the church that grandma has passed away. ppl who received the msg felt unwelcome and they also spreaded the msg so ppl who didnt receive the msg but noted the request were not sure if they could come. what a complicated world isnt it?

eventually i was informed that only the church committee would come and i thot that was pretty good cos in that sense the church would be represented and there will not be a crowd. honestly, the awkwardness i've created was not something i urgently want to deal with more than handling my own emotions throughout the wake, cremation and sea burial. however, it turned out that my sister had second thoughts about the msg and the awkwardness i created and she is embarrassed and feedback that i had not considered my family's feelings as the church ppl are also their friends (and they wont know how to face these ppl in future?) . i do not have such issues as perhaps i am a more selfish person who cared more about my own grief than how ppl feel uneasy abt not coming to my grandma's wake. their uneasiness shall pass. and who will handle my grief for me anyway? and that's not compounded with the dilemma i would face if they should come - should i sit by my aunt or turn it into a typical wake and chit chat with the churchies. on top of that, i think i can handle them not coming as i would not feel particularly comforted with their prescence nor chatter.

so while my sisters regretted supporting my decision to send the additional msg on top of the announcement, i showed no regrets and they think there is something wrong with me. as tho sending the msg has repurcussions on them, and allowing them to come will hv no repurcussions on my aunt and myself. yes, we would be left to lick our own wounds n manage our own dilemmas of talking to the crowd. and it would hv no impact on other family members. perhaps truly, that would hv been the better way since that has always been the way - to leave my aunt to 'manage' herself. i think that's the most shitty part for me. that other ppl's awkwardness is more impt than my own dilemma and my aunt's grief.seems like i'm a stubborn hard nut to get a message across too. but at the same time, i'm deeply saddened that my sisters cannot climb into my skin and walk around in it. i'm just too tired to explain myself to ppl i thought would understand me.

i am torn. the rational, emotional and spiritual me are raging wars. and the physical me just want to rest.