Sourcing for ID / Contractor

The reno search began almost a year ago, cos I'm very kiasu and scared of ever increasing prices. Heard of ppl spending $60k - $100k when I asked around, and no way I'm going to pay so much! Sad to say, I don't find that the outcome of their house is worth that price.

Went to home expo, to get a feel of the 'upper limit' of how much I should pay. Quotes from Rezt and Relax and Ecela (yea that red bus company :D) $35k - $55k. Not so bad, given these are the companies which pay to go expo and looking for ppl to 'tok'. Hoping to do the reno with $25k and furnishings and electronics another $15k. Total $40k. $$$ fly away.

After that, we've met 80s studios, Custombox too. None gave us a 3D. but i feel that if u just give me a quotation, then how i know if u know what i'm talking about? I'm choosing a ID not contractor, asking for design is not too much, right?

Praying for an ID who will know what we want.. and deliver good quality.

I'm still undecided about the way to go, even in the most general sense. Here are the two looks which I like the most.

Is it possible for them to co-exist? Both white and wood, but don't know how to mix them. Mehhhhhh.


quite sold on the white glossy look that's just so clean. and we like the whole row of cabinet idea.


got sold by the way the homeowners deco'ed their place. which made the whole design come alive even tho actually their cabinets is super simple (almost boring). now it's very cosy and homely! :)

im not confident if i can do the same, and therefore more swayed towards the standard modern look in first pic.

KL Bday Trip!

Decided to blog about happy things more!
We went to KL over the weekend, kinda for my bday, and to take a break :)
awesome lunch at Ben's, good food and love the decor there. it is part of The BIG Group, which has opened several noteworthy restaurants in Malaysia. Hmm.. hope they come Singapore soon!

shopped a bit, for the first time in my life, i bought 2 pairs of shoes with the same design, and just different colours! So girly that i shock myself. wore the navy blue to work yesterday, and the nude colour today! wooohooos!!! love it that it's so easy to match! +1 for vincci.

We were ripped off at Chinatown. both of us liked this bag, we thought it's a fake, just a fake, but little did we know that it was not even part of the real product line >< MEHHHH.


we paid rm50 for it (starting offer price was rm130). i thought i had a good deal. came home to google what is this series called. to my horror, cannot find it anywhere except a online blogshop calling it a 'mulberry inspired clutch'. >< and selling it at rm 55. anyway, i still like the clutch. just wish that it didnt have the mulberry logo there so it's not like im carrying a fake.

stayed at swiss-garden hotel. everything is good except having to take a taxi in and out. it didn't help that we bought a lot at Lot 10 Isetan, and couldnt just walk back to hotel to put down our loot first. at least it's isetan, so we just deposit everything at the cashier and came back to collect at end of day.. if we bought more anywhere else, would be terrible lugging around :S talking about fatigue, we were so tired from shopping the whole day (read: starting at 12pm aft brunch), we had to take a break at 4pm. no wonder tai-tais need to go for high tea break!! :D aka we are old liao.

planning for KL bday weekend

now that the burden of caring for dad has been lifted, alex suggested that we take a little break in KL for my bday.

sounds really good as it has been months of running errands, even just simple things like going to buy organic buns for breakfast can be draining. really need to recalibrate my life.

so the yixin planning machine was set into motion. looking at countless hotels and thinking of where to eat. in this aspect, alex really complements me, as he is able to make decisions v quickly, knowing what he wants, and what he does not want (to stay again at Radius). i needed to draw up an excel and look at the factors, yet ending up to make the same choice as him (melia hotel, hope it's good!)

among all this, came today's Our Daily Bread

Do not worry about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink; nor about . . . what you will put on. —Matthew 6:25

wow i thot it was really timely!

this is in addition to yesterday's timely verses as my colleague and I were talking about having headaches and he is unable to sleep at night.

There are numerous reasons why sleep eludes us, many of which we can’t do much about. But sometimes unwanted wakefulness is caused by anxious thoughts, worry, or guilt. It’s then that the example of David in Psalm 4 can help. He called out to God, asking for mercy and for God to hear his prayer (v.1). He also reminded himself that the Lord does hear him when he calls on Him (v.3). David encourages us: “Meditate within your heart on your bed, and be still” (v.4). Focusing our minds on the goodness, mercy, and love of God for His world, our loved ones, and ourselves can aid us in trusting the Lord (v.5).

Savings machine

when i was 23, i drew a cute graph of how much i hope i have up to the age 60 to retire.
at that time, i spent only $400 a month, and 6 months expenses was under $2500. amazing!
i wondered how i could be able to pay for a wedding, which at that time i budgeted $20k.

today, at age 27, i've reached the savings amount i thought i would gather only at age 45.
it is amazing how much Alex and i have saved jointly, for that i call us the savings machine. he says his parents are the real savings machine (which i do not refute).
i've hardly done any investments on my own, and i really wonder if that would even be necessary given the amount we can do just by saving - that's risk free.

in my cute graph, however, what i drew was an exponential curve, so im supposed to double that amount in 5 years time.
how am i going to achieve that? God knows.

for now, i'm just super thankful for the abundance freely given from above.

有好多话想说

got a maid. hope that the benefits outweigh the inconveniences and all the procedure hassles.
it's been about a week since fiqoh arrived and i must say im loving it so far! bed is nicely done when we come home, floor is clean, my reflection in the tap is so shiny - ive never noticed this before!

quite hung up on the thought of making money. considering franchise prima deli, advantages would be near home, parents in law can help out, possibility of leaving the operations to run on its own after half a year. i think the profits are sufficiently decent. and quite sold on it.

myjars also considered buying a villa at montigo resorts together. imagine just heading out to our own villa for a yearly retreat. then we decided we are not that rich after all. haha.the not so private pool was a drawback too.

alex and i also followed in max's footsteps to open a malaysia ringgit fixed deposit to leech on the much higher interest rate there, barring currency risks.
for current exchange rate of 1sgd : 2.55 rm, at sg interest rate of 1.1% vs msia interest rate of 3.15% for 12-mth tenure, it would be breakeven or better if the exchange rate stays below 2.6.

i also conisdered buying a mercs c-180 before it switch from cat a coe to cat b coe. decided against that after all, as high costs and high volatily in coe prices. i would be betting that cat b coe price soars february 2014 when some high end cars does the category switchover.

received a call from headhunter sometime in end sept. met the headhunter, met the hiring company, passed a c++ test, and 2 days before the scheduled interview, i was down with hand foot mouth disease. and so i asked to excuse myself from the interview. 3 weeks on, the hr is still trying to find a date to schedule my final interview. in between, i struggled with whether i really want to change job and if this is what im looking for. and decided that maybe it will just go away if it's not meant to be. and on came the hfmd. coincidence?

had a breakdown at sgx while trying to transfer dad's stocks to my name. there was a lot of stress during that time as dad had just a heart attack, he still had not done the will, we still have a housing loan that has 4 more years to go, we really need to get everything sorted out. went to many places over the last week of aug. car transfer was the easiest and the stocks was a pain in the ass. we've also sold his company.

highlight of last week was that mum was willing to sit next to dad during family photo taking at ada's bday celebration. tho she still does not eat w him during meals. that's a remarkable improvement for the past year.

unable to meet up with the interior designers i like cos they're all so busy closing projects. Le sigh.
totally loving the works of Custom Box.

first time made 10% profit on a stock last week. that felt really good. keeping emotions in check.

loving Suits (Play the man episode!) and Big Bang Theory. dislikes Modern family, too predictable.

sometimes i feel like i'm losing hold of myself, and spontaneously feel low. there's so much to say, so much clutter in my mind. 2013 has been a visit to the valley of death and i pray that 2014 will be the follow on year of breakthrough.
received my inheritance from grandma. quite shocked. i thought it would just be some jewellery. also learnt that mum still have a 1/12 share in the highland road house. that's crazy. i thought it was totally my uncle's. 
the best part is that just recently, i was wondering, if i can cover my wedding costs, and not my reno costs, then it doesn't make sense to spend on reno. dont want to spend money that has no returns. yes, i would get an awesome home, but who says i cant get an awesome home for half the price? or the germany trip. and this amount totally and exactly covers my budget for reno and the germany trip. and yet, the aunt says, spend the money wisely please.

The miracle of life

My cousin down with leukemia has found a perfect match of bone marrow in her sister!
They went through the stem cell transplant procedure in late Oct.
this is a miracle of life, coming back from 死亡边缘!

DNA and stem cells are really cool. their blood types actually dont match, but their DNA matches. so now my cousin has a changed blood type heh.

Thank God!!

Life's too short

it was just a few weeks ago that there is this young lady, my youngest cousin, who rushed over to my grandma's deathbed, with mud on her calfs, having just come from a late night frisbee training. she was so active, so healthy, a canoeist, so bubbly.
she was the pillar of support for her mum during this tough period, holding her hands countless times and especially at the hearse.

life would have it this way that my cousin is diagnosed with leukemia. she's not even 21, only going 20 this august. why does cancer always seem to attack the healthiest looking lot that it makes it so difficult to accept?

Just re-read Shufang's blog and it is just heart breaking.

grandma and the compounded grief

grandma has passed away.
i should say the passive dying process began 7 years ago and the obvious dying signs kicked in a week ago. on the death cert, it says chronic renal failure 6 years 6 mths.
my family is just thankful that she passed away peacefully. she is a quiet person which i wouldnt say i'm particularly close to, but she is my only grandparent left and the only one i've lived with after my formative years.

in remembrance of what has happened. the trying caring and aftermath discussions.

in 2006 to 2008, mum and second aunt shuttled btn home and grandma's place, keeping her company and singing hymns to her. things got complicated and aunt wanted to bear the burden and gave up her position in hongkong to return to sg. she didnt really like the idea of her sisters shuttling and running. she began to take up sole responsibility of caring and providing for grandma. things got further complicated, i believe there are misunderstandings and aunt began to close up. aft my exchange in jul 2008, she offered to have me stay w her so that i can do my fyp in peace and also keep grandma company. no, i moved in earlier than that as i rem i wallowed in her laps aft the deciding moment in aug 2007 and continued staying aft my exchange in jul 2008. i must hv been naive at that time and didnt realise how stressed she was. perhaps to this date, i still am naive and immature. she started to have chronic coughing and went to chinese doctor alone and bearing all this by herself. i duno why, i cant rem, aft working for a while, i moved back home. i think she didnt want my social life to be affected bcos of the curfews at highland road and i was always rushing back and taking care to enter the gates quietly so as not to wake my grandma who was by now sleeping in the living room to avoid the staircase and steps. that was stuffs i could manage tho it did affect my life. there were many good moments w grandma, waking her up, having a dinner w her, and urging her to walk 5 rounds, or 3 rounds as a compromise, after her dinner. perhaps i should not have moved back home. from then, aunt began to find a place big enough so that grandma don't feel claustrophobic and a place that did not have steps so grandma could revert to staying  in a room. she also wanted to do a driving refresher course so that she could drive grandma around but i think she was too bogged down by other nitty gritty to get to that. everything she did was centred around grandma.

anyway, so aunt managed to find a place and offered to make it my weekend home. then dad got diagnosed w cancer. things just get more and more complicated and tho i hate to admit it and perhaps ashamed of this, there are times when i consciously decide not to go to grandma's place bcos i really needed a rest. grandma's health continued to slowly but surely deteriorate, and beginning to be unable to do things herself - bathing, walking, passing motion, and eventually feeding for the past three months or so. i hv witnessed the maid and my aunt helping to remove her faeces and i had always wanted to help, but nv been able to bring myself to do it. for that, i hv deep respect for my maid and my aunt.

the strange thg, for me, happened on sun night. i was bathing and could hear someone calling my name. i thought it was my mum forgetting to bring home keys out and calling for me to help her to open the door. i hastened to finish up and in the meantime, continued to hear calls for me. when i checked the door, my mum was not there. alex urged me to call her, in case something bad happened to her. turns out that she was on the way home from grandma and reported that grandma is in critical condition. her blood pressure is low and heart beat is high. signs of dying. not sure if there is an infection, and to find out we'd have to bring her to hospital. my mum and her siblings decided to have a family discussion the next night.

and somehow i wanted to visit grandma and was entangled in, biaojie too. we kept relatively quiet throughout as for me, i would think the siblings just reach a consensus and decide for themselves how they would like to be comforted in the wake of my grandma's death. there were tiresome talks of how long the wake should be, in fact, if there should even be a wake and whether to hv a sea burial. in that discussion, it was clear that there are two schools of thought. the extreme of not having a wake and the other hand, having a 5 days or 7 days wake bcos she is an elderly. compound that with having relatives in china who may want to fly over to attend her wake. tough decisions.

thurs night, received a call from biaojie that grandma has passed away. it was unfortunate and compounded with alex having just left sg to be w his mum for her eye operation. i was on the way home after dropping him and quickly picked up mum and first aunt to go to aunt's place. as tho in denial, i actually checked whether grandma was still breathing. negative. and within me, i know emotions are beginning to take over. still, there are things to be done. getting the death cert, calling the undertaker, finding a suitable photo and clothes for grandma... compound that with as the clock strikes midnight, it was my 2nd youngest cousin's 21st bday and the family had wanted to hv a celebration tog on sun night. i had ordered, and cancelled when my grandma turned critical and then re-ordered because the family agreed that we can still gather and perhaps it will b good for everyone to take the opportunity to see grandma, and then upon grandma's death, i had to cancel the order again. (in fact aft tt, i was asked to order again bcos we will need catering for the wake and memorial service. i flatly rejected that request as i was too tired to do it again and asked that we order from the undertaker's contact). on the basis that it was jessie's 21st bday, aunt agreed to have a 5 day wake so that jessie may continue her arrangements w her friends and still get to come for her grandma's wake.

at that moment, it was also agreed that the church will not be informed and to keep thgs as a private affair. i do note the irony of having a 5 days wake and not informing ppl. however, that was the way things happened. second aunt really wanted to inform her church and so she did. (later on, aunt said that she compromised so that in later days, second aunt will rem that she has done something and not hv regrets for her mum's wake). with that, my mum also wanted to inform our church. the dilemma of having a private, non-crowded affair and informing our spiritual family arose.

the church workers came to know of it on sat morning and asked why were they not informed. i guess that put my mum in a spot. sat night we had another discussion whether to inform the church. aunt reiterated that she want a private affair as our grandma is a private person. i do not understand why my mum would not compromise and decide to just inform the ppl in church who are close to her instead of making an announcement. eventually there was no conclusion and nobody wanted to make a decision. and there muhtian was, sitting and waiting for my family to arrive at the decision as it happened that he would be the announcer the next day. aunt said just go ahead and make the announcement and i know she is making the decision against her own will. perhaps i was not conscious of it, but i felt bad that there was no compromise and someone has to be unhappy bcos of this.

that said, i proceeded to draft the announcement. and sent a private msg to the youths, and david, jenny, daryl, may nar and johnny that i would prefer them not to come.

so here's the problem: the announcement included the memorial service and address, so implicitly it was an invitation to come even tho i had purposefully excluded the phrase that the church is welcome/invited to attend the memorial service. that's my bad. perhaps i should not hv put in the details. but leave it as just informing the church that grandma has passed away. ppl who received the msg felt unwelcome and they also spreaded the msg so ppl who didnt receive the msg but noted the request were not sure if they could come. what a complicated world isnt it?

eventually i was informed that only the church committee would come and i thot that was pretty good cos in that sense the church would be represented and there will not be a crowd. honestly, the awkwardness i've created was not something i urgently want to deal with more than handling my own emotions throughout the wake, cremation and sea burial. however, it turned out that my sister had second thoughts about the msg and the awkwardness i created and she is embarrassed and feedback that i had not considered my family's feelings as the church ppl are also their friends (and they wont know how to face these ppl in future?) . i do not have such issues as perhaps i am a more selfish person who cared more about my own grief than how ppl feel uneasy abt not coming to my grandma's wake. their uneasiness shall pass. and who will handle my grief for me anyway? and that's not compounded with the dilemma i would face if they should come - should i sit by my aunt or turn it into a typical wake and chit chat with the churchies. on top of that, i think i can handle them not coming as i would not feel particularly comforted with their prescence nor chatter.

so while my sisters regretted supporting my decision to send the additional msg on top of the announcement, i showed no regrets and they think there is something wrong with me. as tho sending the msg has repurcussions on them, and allowing them to come will hv no repurcussions on my aunt and myself. yes, we would be left to lick our own wounds n manage our own dilemmas of talking to the crowd. and it would hv no impact on other family members. perhaps truly, that would hv been the better way since that has always been the way - to leave my aunt to 'manage' herself. i think that's the most shitty part for me. that other ppl's awkwardness is more impt than my own dilemma and my aunt's grief.seems like i'm a stubborn hard nut to get a message across too. but at the same time, i'm deeply saddened that my sisters cannot climb into my skin and walk around in it. i'm just too tired to explain myself to ppl i thought would understand me.

i am torn. the rational, emotional and spiritual me are raging wars. and the physical me just want to rest.

Learnings AND achievements

Emphasizing on "learnings" only will be viewed as a cost to the organisation, unless you are presenting as a student to uni prof

my supervisor's comment on my final slide. hey, it was his boss to tell me to put in the learnings?  and the whole ppt is already selling my achievements? why cannot conclude with learnings - but i didn't dare ask. *sighs*

so next monday is the presentation. which i think will decide whether i get promoted or not (finally).

Diligence, recognition, motivation...

I tell myself everyday, that I must be diligent as I've learnt wise words about being diligent.
Firstly, that is necessary to satisfy my physical needs.
Secondly, I know that good work brings good satisfaction, which satisfies the mind and soul.
Thirdly, I enjoy going to work and chatting with colleagues and friends over lunch and tea breaks. Building good relationships that will last.

Proverbs 13:4 The sluggard craves and gets nothing, but the desires of the diligent are fully satisfied.
Proverbs 30:25 Ants are creatures of little strength, yet they store up their food in the summer;

However, Motivation has been elusive to me. I'm the 三分钟热度kind, little perserverance. I have hardly any difficulty aceing anything until the programming modules in university. oh, and chemistry in jc. the thing is, if i dont enjoy something, i dont mind not doing well for it. I've believed that i did really well in jc and uni because i was truly interested in what i studied. so... does that mean that i'm not enjoying what i'm doing now? i feel interested but easily bored, perhaps things are just moving too slowly.

I desire recognition just like other Singapore working women. the promotion is overdue. i dont feel appreciated. not involved in discussions. sometimes, i dont know what im holding on to anymore.

Vocal Cord Paralysis

Dad's voice has been hoarse and szesiang initiated a visit to the doctor, especially with a sabah trip for dad coming up this weekend.

The ENT doctor was really professional, and i love doctors who bother to explain to patients n kins on what they are doing and why. Dr Chao at NUH ENT. She diagnosed that my dad's right vocal cord is paralysed - does not close well, thus causing the hoarse voice. It seems that the left vocal cord is 'compensating' well for the gap and no action is required at this stage. Suspicion on a tumour in the brain pressing on the nerve to channel the voice. so that's two nerves pressed in the right brain - eye and voice. suspected third nerve for hearing. suggested IV chemo, which we all dread, no decision made yet. intuition tells me i should just let dad go for the trip and really hope nothing happens there.

things should get tougher from here.

Hello, Prudence!

Singapore Budget 2013 is out and the big boys are back to regulate the car loans.

COEs been on the rise, Credit Bureau Singapore (CBS) reports larger loan quantums of average $80k upwards, big boys now step in to limit the car loan amount (50% for cars with Open Market Value more than $20k and 60% for cars with Open Market Value less than $20k) and tenure limited to 5 years.

Though this would hurt young families who 'need' a car if they are not cash rich, i think it is a good step from the big boys as I'm concerned about the financial prudence of families. High HDB prices, or even Executive Condominiums, and buying cars that require monthly installment of $1k upwards just sounds like a stretch to me. I'm glad my dad is not asking me to pay the car installments or insurance... and even so, I find that paying for petrol is eating up my savings. Imagine being able to save $1k+++ more each month for the young families. It would be indeed more wise to save a few years pay the downpayment and have a smaller loan quantum.

I do not believe that car is a necessity, even if u hv 2 kids or an elderly at home. At least, my parents survived without a car when we were young - we took public transport (bus and trains) everywhere and my aunt is taking good care of my grandma without a car too - just take cabs since unlikely to travel during peak hours.

Hope that everyone will save for what they need/want, and then when u have the money, then think about what is the best use for it. Taking up loans and getting into debts is really not good.

p.s.: hope that this will make the COE drop... and when it comes to my turn to renew in 3 yrs' time, will b able to renew the COE (aiming less than $20k). dont intend to buy a new car if current car is still able to run. :)

Tips for personal finance

You don't wanna owe money you can't pay. i'm basically against debt... there's no reason in the world to pay 18% a month... 

it's a good idea to have savings - LOL

when you buy a farm, you dont look at the weather forecast, you look at how much it can produce and is that satisfactory to my cost

you can't dance in and out (of the market) everyday 

i like this guy.

high-end feeling

is it logical or real to get hdb house but reno to get the 'high-end feeling'?

What about him?

Peter pointed to John and asked, “What about him?” Jesus answered : “What is that to you? You follow Me” (John 21:22). Note to self: Dont Kaypoh what is going to happen to other people, their future is in God's hands. For me, i'm just gonna stick to my mission and fulfil His purpose in my life.

Decider, Dictator or Determinedly Firm?

a little episode at church camp which is disturbing me and i don't know how to share it exactly bcos it concerns someone whom i should consider family.

so we were at Pulai Springs Resort which has Paintball arena. alex noted it since day 1.. and so when szesiang suggested going for it on day 3, he and many others quickly agreed to go for it during the R&R time at 2pm, esp since it was our last afternoon at the resort itself. however, at the end of the service ard 12pm, it was announced that there will be sharing of the missions trips by zoe, fiona n jason at 2pm. so there was a total clash. for a moment, i struggled.. bocs so last minute then announced, but in my heart somehow i knew i shud change the paintball timing. i was also uncomfortable that the young boys Wei wen, Tian En and Justin are going to play as well since i've seen n heard big bruises from Paintball.

during lunch, we sat with auntie zhenzhen who encouraged us to go for the mission sharing.. n i was further feeling that we shud change the timing. in a way, i was waiting for szesiang to suggest to postpone so i wont be the 'bad guy'. but we finished lunch.. then realised ppl zao alr.. n no such action. i was still a bit struggling.. cos it doesn't involve me directly since i didnt even sign up for it. then there was also talk abt rongen and darius going anot but rongen has alr agreed to help jason set up the PA equipment for the sharing. of cos we wanted rongen and darius to come along and enjoy the paintball tog.

then we bumped into david. i duno why, somehow seeing david gave me courage to speak up and we started talking abt the mission sharing and that it clashes with the paintball. and (i think) it was me who suggested to postpone it and going to the sports centre to check if can postpone. my thinking is that this is a church camp, of cos anythg to do with the church comes first. somemore this is talking abt God's work.. not just some bonding activities or admin matters. i didnt really think abt whether isit anyone put in a lot of effort and whether it will be replayed during church service when we get back to sg. to me, all that is secondary. this is the moment, and it is there and then; i made a stand and that is - God comes first.

the conversation caught momentum as mr heng and david agreed fully adding their own view points abt why we shud go for the mission sharing and soon we were at the sports centre. at first it was just me alex rongen darius n joshua going in to change the timing, and liak kia n david were walking back to the hotel. but liak kia and david u-turned aft 5s and said aiya might as well change together. turn out that can change the timing.. we also asked further questions abt the gear provided n requirements. supposed to be "not for below 15 years old.. and must be above 18 years old" (abit strange cos then 16 and 17 year old how??) we were also thinking abt back-up plans if the kids cannot play since need at least 10 ppl then can play.

we changed the timing to 3.15pm and proceeded to walk back to the hotel. there, i checked w david for szesiang room number n proceeded to call to inform him. the rest met weiming, johnny n eng yong at the lobby and informed them.

aft mission sharing, suddenly we were confronted by szesiang.. abt who was the one who changed the timing. it was a very intense confrontation, he brought out the name list and ask who who who.. who was there to make the decision.. why never consult the majority.. i said yes the majority is there (there were many ppl i thot there is the majority) out of 11 ppl: alex, joshua, chow, mr heng representing tian en, n we supposed also wei wen and justin... so bcos of the young boys, we did hv the majority.. phew.. not there: muhtian, szesiang, engyong, johnny, weiming.. n i am very thankful that there was david and mr heng who supported me that we made the decision unanimously even aft i said im the one who suggested it (i think i was and also bcos i know szesiang confrontational style i decided that i will bear this burden instead of putting it on david n liak kia so that if he need to blame someone, he can blame me. ) then he started bringing johnny into the picture which was expected.. he said nobody informed johnny n it's only we happen to bump into him then he know. which is not the case.. obviously if we didnt bump into him, we will call his room like we called szesiang and make sure he knows. "do you know that johnny is very angry?"  that's when i know he know he is 理亏 already. always his style.. bring in this and that. im not v sure what was the convo aft this cos i was just feeling relieved that we had the majority and david and mr heng did not back out on me. it's more stressful than being voted as the polar bear. then he was not pressing the matter so hard, so i apologised for not informing him before deciding which is true. i should have.

oh, i rem one thing.. szesiang said even if we hv the majority we shud just ask them first before changing. so i asked, but if the rest of us dont go would u still go ahead? he said yes.. which i feel is total crap cos 5 ppl obviously cannot play what.. he alr know is minimum 10 ppl. btw, i was very disturbed when i learnt that to make up for this 10 ppl, he put the young boys' names in so that hv enuf ppl. he planned for them to be back up then later ppl want to play then sub them out. i thot that was rather weird... and playing with the boys..

so finally we were on our way to sports centre n then walking over to Paintball arena. apologised to weiming. i caught up with johnny there and then to apologise for not informing him or asking his opinion before. eng yong was beside him. hmm i didnt apologise to eng yong directly just thinking that he is hearing everything we are saying. so johnny thinks that paintball plan alr, shud just press on, the talk is last minute announce, and optional, and can be replayed in church.. i know that we are both hard nuts to crack, and he also knows.. so he says okay let's not pursue this matter further.. i promised to treat him kopi when we get back to office.

finally we are at the paintball arena. the trainers demo using the gun. loud blast.
at this point, in my heart, i was still fearful abt letting the kids play. and asked mr heng if he really going to let Tian En play this painful game?
well they decided to press on... with the rule that no shooting at kids. so maynar, rongen, darius, mr heng n i were happy spectators.
mr heng made a comment which i thot was a really sensitive n sensible one.. which is with the young boys in the game, the big guys wont be able to enjoy their game so much. before long, we see the young boys pointing their guns at Chow and he had to surrender since he cant shoot back.

then it rained.. they played capture the flag.. alex's team did not know where is the flag aft muhtian dropped it.. many ppl goggles was fogging cannot see properly. joshua took down his mask even tho muhtian from the opposing team had ran to a barrier near joshua cos joshua thot it's someone from his team.. until muhtian said "ehhh it's me leh" then joshua stunned hahahah. i admire muhtian for his integrity n not taking the chance to shoot josh. if headshot without the goggles would b terrible. i think this is something that i value very much in my church..

so that was it.. we ran back to the sports centre in the rain.. and nobody said anythg abt the matter

today, one day aft church camp, on the way to hospital with ada, she brought up this topic. she is my biggest sister = i hv nothing to hide from her. i told her openly that in my heart i was a bit reluctant to discuss w szesiang knowing that he would oppose changing the timing. she said that i shud tell szesiang that.. i also shared w her abt how he betrayed me at my gatecrash, but of cos one issue at a time.. i also told her my principles for changing the timing and actually im not sure if she agreed.. i think in my heart n mind i alr decided that my big sis would agree with me.. i do rem she re-emphasising that it's not well communicated or discussed which i fully agree n i told her i've alr apologised.

at the hospital, during waiting time, ada was telling me i shud go talk to szesiang directly otherwise if she go home say she will b stuck in the middle again. which i agree n i dont want my sis to kena talk big by szesiang over this matter which should not b her burden. so i took a deep breath and prepare my heart for round 2. this time he brought in weiming who "felt obliged to go for the mission sharing" who "did not want to go for the mission sharing but went"... perhaps i shud go talk more to weiming to find out how he is.. i rem that day he accepted my apology. now im curious how he felt. then ss brought in the trainers.. like he feel v bad for them that they hv to come down n we changed the timing; that probably by the time we changed the timing they hv alr come down to prepare.. and they know that we are from a church, it does not reflect nice on the church @.@ i thot this was really secondary issues. he also asked if i felt i imposed the change on everybody, and who did i speak on behalf of (other than logically alex)? "dont u think u are behaving like a dictator? why do u want to create a distance... a rift?" honestly i felt v hurt by that. but i guess the mental preparation did me well n i did not drop a tear. i replied that i did not force everyone to go mission sharing, everyone had their options.. those who didnt want to go didnt go..

so szesiang went back to the argument of well u shud hv informed everyone so i told him i agree w him and i hv alr apologised to everyone. and he said if we had asked him before changing the timing, he would have agreed to change the timing. TALK NONSENSE!!! he alr said he would hv just gone ahead with the other ppl who didnt want to go for mission sharing. sighs so he would say this now right.. cos the heart of the matter now becomes im wrong bcos i nv consult everyone before changing the timing.

honestly i feel the primary issue is that the mission sharing shud come more impt than paintball. im appalled that instead of readily agreeing that we made the right decision, he is biting on this issue this way. so that's quite shitty feeling. i hate to explain things to this level of details..

有关系就没关系
没关系就有关系

难道我们的关系就这么肤浅吗？

i still stand by my decision and i regret not informing everyone before changing the timing which gives me a reason to be lectured. a thousand times over. to apologise a thousand times over. guess i just hv to do it since i wanna stick to my decision n i really did not communicate it out properly....

thankful for friends who gave the assuring “没关系” - Johnny, Weiming.. , friends who stand by my decision - Joshua, darius, rong en.. and even more, the dear friends who stood up in unison for what we believe in... alex, david, mr heng... and i rem jenny popping by and stood by when she felt something was amiss.

aft this, i went to double check with alex what would he hv voted for? he said of cos mission sharing... and reassured me not to feel bad. so im really glad and 心里得到安慰。。

p.s. liak kia = mr heng.. realised i use it interchangably :P

new season of responsibility

life would be awesome if we can do anythg we want anytime we want.
but life is not about enjoying it to the fullest...

26 nov 2012 marks the date i think my life will be different from now on.
that's the day dr alvin wong decided that my dad needs to b admitted following symptoms of double vision n weakness in left leg.
following days of catching the doctors during their rounds in the mornings, persuading mum to be there at the hosp w dad, packing pa's clothes, calling vendors to get grab bars, deciding if pa shud stay at bedok or hougang, i hv to admit this superwoman is burnt out. im tired. i try not to show it, but when i get back home, all i wanna do is to hit the bed. but i cant bcos there's always things to pack for pa the next day.
and i guess thats why my life will never be the same again.

i pray for my family perhaps this is the time we shall bond again. ada always say it's a joke; now ma can leave pa, but ma has to take care of pa now.

i guess im not in any position to remind them what i've learnt at my own wedding:
love unconditionally
respect unconditionally

so i shall just take this season to learn these simple 4 words:
children; obey ur parents.

Plans: Travel and Work

2012
Nov - Bali
Dec - Church camp at JB, bring darius to explore ipoh

2013
Jul - Honeymoon at Germany and Norway
Dec - Kinabalu (zoe's initiation!)

don't know when then can go new zealand road trip :(:(:(

so much to see, so little time (And leave!)

Dad is getting weaker by the day. it's sad nobody wants to take over his business, including me - sighs.

12 years

"Max tells Vincent about his dream of opening a limo company, describing his job as a cab driver as temporary. Vincent asks how long he has been doing it, and Max confesses that his "temporary" job has lasted 12 years."

Looking back at the past 12 years, I've loved deeply with all my heart. I've learnt a lot, but also wished I've done more, for my own soul's sake and others'.

Where shall we be 12 years from now? How many more 12 years have we got? Really want to redeem all the time I've let slip.

Cried in dream

i had a dream last nite, not a good dream at all.
it started well, we were at a chalet, four of us.
i wanted to snooze, but the others wanted to go out. already under the blanket.
started to get scolded for wanting to sleep, cried in my dream.

it's strange, how the brain weaves stories from all the very different sub-stories in life.
alex scolded me ytd for using a 'bad' tone. and then he used a lot of f*** at me. im dead tired and sick of it.