a little episode at church camp which is disturbing me and i don't know how to share it exactly bcos it concerns someone whom i should consider family.
so we were at Pulai Springs Resort which has Paintball arena. alex noted it since day 1.. and so when szesiang suggested going for it on day 3, he and many others quickly agreed to go for it during the R&R time at 2pm, esp since it was our last afternoon at the resort itself. however, at the end of the service ard 12pm, it was announced that there will be sharing of the missions trips by zoe, fiona n jason at 2pm. so there was a total clash. for a moment, i struggled.. bocs so last minute then announced, but in my heart somehow i knew i shud change the paintball timing. i was also uncomfortable that the young boys Wei wen, Tian En and Justin are going to play as well since i've seen n heard big bruises from Paintball.
during lunch, we sat with auntie zhenzhen who encouraged us to go for the mission sharing.. n i was further feeling that we shud change the timing. in a way, i was waiting for szesiang to suggest to postpone so i wont be the 'bad guy'. but we finished lunch.. then realised ppl zao alr.. n no such action. i was still a bit struggling.. cos it doesn't involve me directly since i didnt even sign up for it. then there was also talk abt rongen and darius going anot but rongen has alr agreed to help jason set up the PA equipment for the sharing. of cos we wanted rongen and darius to come along and enjoy the paintball tog.
then we bumped into david. i duno why, somehow seeing david gave me courage to speak up and we started talking abt the mission sharing and that it clashes with the paintball. and (i think) it was me who suggested to postpone it and going to the sports centre to check if can postpone. my thinking is that this is a church camp, of cos anythg to do with the church comes first. somemore this is talking abt God's work.. not just some bonding activities or admin matters. i didnt really think abt whether isit anyone put in a lot of effort and whether it will be replayed during church service when we get back to sg. to me, all that is secondary. this is the moment, and it is there and then; i made a stand and that is - God comes first.
the conversation caught momentum as mr heng and david agreed fully adding their own view points abt why we shud go for the mission sharing and soon we were at the sports centre. at first it was just me alex rongen darius n joshua going in to change the timing, and liak kia n david were walking back to the hotel. but liak kia and david u-turned aft 5s and said aiya might as well change together. turn out that can change the timing.. we also asked further questions abt the gear provided n requirements. supposed to be "not for below 15 years old.. and must be above 18 years old" (abit strange cos then 16 and 17 year old how??) we were also thinking abt back-up plans if the kids cannot play since need at least 10 ppl then can play.
we changed the timing to 3.15pm and proceeded to walk back to the hotel. there, i checked w david for szesiang room number n proceeded to call to inform him. the rest met weiming, johnny n eng yong at the lobby and informed them.
aft mission sharing, suddenly we were confronted by szesiang.. abt who was the one who changed the timing. it was a very intense confrontation, he brought out the name list and ask who who who.. who was there to make the decision.. why never consult the majority.. i said yes the majority is there (there were many ppl i thot there is the majority) out of 11 ppl: alex, joshua, chow, mr heng representing tian en, n we supposed also wei wen and justin... so bcos of the young boys, we did hv the majority.. phew.. not there: muhtian, szesiang, engyong, johnny, weiming.. n i am very thankful that there was david and mr heng who supported me that we made the decision unanimously even aft i said im the one who suggested it (i think i was and also bcos i know szesiang confrontational style i decided that i will bear this burden instead of putting it on david n liak kia so that if he need to blame someone, he can blame me. ) then he started bringing johnny into the picture which was expected.. he said nobody informed johnny n it's only we happen to bump into him then he know. which is not the case.. obviously if we didnt bump into him, we will call his room like we called szesiang and make sure he knows. "do you know that johnny is very angry?" that's when i know he know he is 理亏 already. always his style.. bring in this and that. im not v sure what was the convo aft this cos i was just feeling relieved that we had the majority and david and mr heng did not back out on me. it's more stressful than being voted as the polar bear. then he was not pressing the matter so hard, so i apologised for not informing him before deciding which is true. i should have.
oh, i rem one thing.. szesiang said even if we hv the majority we shud just ask them first before changing. so i asked, but if the rest of us dont go would u still go ahead? he said yes.. which i feel is total crap cos 5 ppl obviously cannot play what.. he alr know is minimum 10 ppl. btw, i was very disturbed when i learnt that to make up for this 10 ppl, he put the young boys' names in so that hv enuf ppl. he planned for them to be back up then later ppl want to play then sub them out. i thot that was rather weird... and playing with the boys..
so finally we were on our way to sports centre n then walking over to Paintball arena. apologised to weiming. i caught up with johnny there and then to apologise for not informing him or asking his opinion before. eng yong was beside him. hmm i didnt apologise to eng yong directly just thinking that he is hearing everything we are saying. so johnny thinks that paintball plan alr, shud just press on, the talk is last minute announce, and optional, and can be replayed in church.. i know that we are both hard nuts to crack, and he also knows.. so he says okay let's not pursue this matter further.. i promised to treat him kopi when we get back to office.
finally we are at the paintball arena. the trainers demo using the gun. loud blast.
at this point, in my heart, i was still fearful abt letting the kids play. and asked mr heng if he really going to let Tian En play this painful game?
well they decided to press on... with the rule that no shooting at kids. so maynar, rongen, darius, mr heng n i were happy spectators.
mr heng made a comment which i thot was a really sensitive n sensible one.. which is with the young boys in the game, the big guys wont be able to enjoy their game so much. before long, we see the young boys pointing their guns at Chow and he had to surrender since he cant shoot back.
then it rained.. they played capture the flag.. alex's team did not know where is the flag aft muhtian dropped it.. many ppl goggles was fogging cannot see properly. joshua took down his mask even tho muhtian from the opposing team had ran to a barrier near joshua cos joshua thot it's someone from his team.. until muhtian said "ehhh it's me leh" then joshua stunned hahahah. i admire muhtian for his integrity n not taking the chance to shoot josh. if headshot without the goggles would b terrible. i think this is something that i value very much in my church..
so that was it.. we ran back to the sports centre in the rain.. and nobody said anythg abt the matter
today, one day aft church camp, on the way to hospital with ada, she brought up this topic. she is my biggest sister = i hv nothing to hide from her. i told her openly that in my heart i was a bit reluctant to discuss w szesiang knowing that he would oppose changing the timing. she said that i shud tell szesiang that.. i also shared w her abt how he betrayed me at my gatecrash, but of cos one issue at a time.. i also told her my principles for changing the timing and actually im not sure if she agreed.. i think in my heart n mind i alr decided that my big sis would agree with me.. i do rem she re-emphasising that it's not well communicated or discussed which i fully agree n i told her i've alr apologised.
at the hospital, during waiting time, ada was telling me i shud go talk to szesiang directly otherwise if she go home say she will b stuck in the middle again. which i agree n i dont want my sis to kena talk big by szesiang over this matter which should not b her burden. so i took a deep breath and prepare my heart for round 2. this time he brought in weiming who "felt obliged to go for the mission sharing" who "did not want to go for the mission sharing but went"... perhaps i shud go talk more to weiming to find out how he is.. i rem that day he accepted my apology. now im curious how he felt. then ss brought in the trainers.. like he feel v bad for them that they hv to come down n we changed the timing; that probably by the time we changed the timing they hv alr come down to prepare.. and they know that we are from a church, it does not reflect nice on the church @.@ i thot this was really secondary issues. he also asked if i felt i imposed the change on everybody, and who did i speak on behalf of (other than logically alex)? "dont u think u are behaving like a dictator? why do u want to create a distance... a rift?" honestly i felt v hurt by that. but i guess the mental preparation did me well n i did not drop a tear. i replied that i did not force everyone to go mission sharing, everyone had their options.. those who didnt want to go didnt go..
so szesiang went back to the argument of well u shud hv informed everyone so i told him i agree w him and i hv alr apologised to everyone. and he said if we had asked him before changing the timing, he would have agreed to change the timing. TALK NONSENSE!!! he alr said he would hv just gone ahead with the other ppl who didnt want to go for mission sharing. sighs so he would say this now right.. cos the heart of the matter now becomes im wrong bcos i nv consult everyone before changing the timing.
honestly i feel the primary issue is that the mission sharing shud come more impt than paintball. im appalled that instead of readily agreeing that we made the right decision, he is biting on this issue this way. so that's quite shitty feeling. i hate to explain things to this level of details..
有关系就没关系
没关系就有关系
难道我们的关系就这么肤浅吗？
i still stand by my decision and i regret not informing everyone before changing the timing which gives me a reason to be lectured. a thousand times over. to apologise a thousand times over. guess i just hv to do it since i wanna stick to my decision n i really did not communicate it out properly....
thankful for friends who gave the assuring “没关系” - Johnny, Weiming.. , friends who stand by my decision - Joshua, darius, rong en.. and even more, the dear friends who stood up in unison for what we believe in... alex, david, mr heng... and i rem jenny popping by and stood by when she felt something was amiss.
aft this, i went to double check with alex what would he hv voted for? he said of cos mission sharing... and reassured me not to feel bad. so im really glad and 心里得到安慰。。
p.s. liak kia = mr heng.. realised i use it interchangably :P
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